I wonder how much of our lives are planned out. Is God a pre planner, giving OCD like detail in advance to all the large and tiny details of our paths or does he creatively shoot from the hip making up the twists as we navigate the turns? I imagine this as God spinning the plates, keeping them all up and going, a great cosmic multitasker.
Part of me wants God to be a go with the flow type, to react and co create with me on the fly but most of me wants God to be more in control than that. Maybe it is a bit of both, maybe it is neither. But when things feel "right, " when things click so definitvely it's hard to think that it isn't all meant to be just that way.
I know someone whose child is suffering from brain cancer. I wonder how long it has been there. Has it always been there, like a tiny dark seed waiting to sprout and spread pain and heartache? Is it necessarily a destroyer, an evil thing? Perhaps it is like most adversity, a chance to change gears and view life from a different perspective. It is hard to know. I know if it were my child I would not be seeing the 'up' side. I do think sometimes we live day in and day out, worry over bills and things that matter but shouldn't matter too much. We give such importance and weight to certain tasks but then when an existential issue presents itself, we tend to shed those things. When reality shifts on us like that, we focus on the love, we focus on finding the joy, the peace, the spiritual connection in our lives.
God shows me time and again what is important but it seems like it doesn't stick with me. Perhaps I am a slow learner. I know to trust Him completely but it isn't always my first reaction. I feel like I have to fight for things too often. I fight to be heard, to be understood, to keep control. When am I going to ever just give up the weapons? I get swept up by emotion, by passion, by my own hormonal soup. Thank God that He gives me reminders. Sometimes they are gentle reminders, sometimes it's like Cher in Moonstruck, *SLAP* "Snap out of it!!!"
Monday, May 16, 2011
I'm a little out of my comfort zone. Although I have verbal diahrrea all over the net in various forums and on Facebook, I feel anxious typing in my own box here, alone. Anxious that someone will read what I think and maybe find out who I really am. Perhaps I'm anxious that *I* will find out who I really am. Nevertheless I always seem to have a lot to say, except now when I have a lot of room to say it and no one is listening. I have the same problem when I have plenty of money to shop with (which isn't a common occurence). I never seem to see anything I like when my purse is full. This is just me being contrary. I'm sure I will find more to say....much more than anyone will ever want to read. Anyway, my heart is beating a little faster now. At least I know I'm alive.